Human experiment nro who know anymore. All black clothes to mourn the second-guesser in me

It’s safe to say I love human experiments more than your average person. Hard to tell why, I guess they just give me stuff to do.

Lately, I’ve been getting increasingly frustrated with myself, my procrastination and general underlying feelings of unworthiness. This part of me that procrastinates and second-guesses my abilities has obviously served an important evolutionary role in my past. I’m working on my first-ever academic article on a pretty tight deadline, and I just don’t have time for any of that parts bs now. I’ve had enough therapy, read enough self-help and watched enough TikToks to know that this dark part needs to be honoured. Self-shaming and blaming aren’t going to get us out of here.

So I thought, I’ll honour this part if it helps me leave her behind. I’ll honour this part till the cows come home. And if she wants to assume a more productive role, she is more than welcome to do so. But if not, she’s going to have to stay behind. So I gave her a funeral. Not just that, I decided to wear all black in honour of her memory, to mourn her, and also for these black clohtes to remind me that she is, in fact, gone. If she comes back, the black clothes tell me that she is a ghost and her ramblings are not to be taken seriously.

Signifying this with specific clothing makes concrete the decision that this behaviour now stops, it gives a dedicated space to step into. A permission to let go of the old. The ghost part can be concerned about the scaryness of succeeding and completing things, but regardless, these things will happen. The ghost part can be scared, but she can’t interfere. Dragging some part of me kicking and screaming to relax and enjoy life was not in my bingo card.

I have a significant amount of black clothes, around 25% of my wardrobe. That is especially significant as I don’t really wear them. I don’t like the all black look, and I find it difficult to combine black with other colours. Wearing all black will be a great change in my normal routine, one that can’t be ignored.

Assigning meaning to something, and how effective that is, as modern-day humans, we don’t assign meaning enough. This is also pretty fun and whimsical, something my life can certainly use more of. I can think back on my life: pre-black clothes period, after black clohtes. Pre black clothes behaviour, after black clohtes behaviour

It is almost like a rite, which there is very little nowadays.

I’m inspired to start.